We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

What Was I Going To Say?

by John Stuart

supported by
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

1.
Kublah Can't 03:22
My pen begins to trace those tired lines, Like roads we've walked before, Or rowing in a circle Like a boat with just one oar. My fleeting muse still goads me down this road, Although she's gone too far; I'll keep my distance and maybe I can blame her for my faults. Who said that if I had a way with words I'd say something of worth? Maybe I got an artist's brain, But never learned to paint. And self-effacement is just a funny way Of trying to save face. I think I've got an honest mind That's used to telling lies. What was it I was going to say? My train of thought has jumped the tracks. I thought I heard a dulcimer play, But then distraction steered my fate. The song I had dreamed soon grew faint And I forgot the way back. I might not build my castle in the air, Or catch my train of thought. I may just waste my life Pretending I am what I'm not. The human race extends a grasping hand To reach for something more And, if I can, I'd like to help And maybe guide its course.
2.
Koi No Yokan 03:20
A crooked smile, Caught inside the corner of my eye Across the room From where I thought I saw her looking at me there. Perhaps my chance Is purely misconstrued and happenstance Please don't mistake Coincidence for what is surely not our fate. If I could ever make my way into your heart, I'd find an empty place where I could be a part. Head over heels, Exposed and self-aware so I concealed As I surmised it best To veil my naive feelings from her eyes. And now I find I must have been the last thing on her mind, But I don't mind. I'd rather be the last on call than not at all. If I could ever find a way into your head Then I might finally say the things I wish I'd said. I was confused, A rookie in this game that we call love. So I struck out And missed the signs you left to let me know the score. I'll never know Just what may have transpired, even though We've since found love Among the ashes of the bridges we had burned. If I could ever find a way into your head, Then I might finally hear the things you left unsaid.
3.
There is a ghost inside my head, Who comes back from the dead, To show me everything I fear And make my thoughts unclear. I'm so afraid I try to hide My guilt and shame inside. I know that I have lost my way, Despite what I may say. I have become Estranged from the ones That I'm supposed to know, To keep, and to love. For each pathetic tear I bled A drop of blood was shed, As my self-pity led to sin That fed the ghost within. I tried to wipe away the stains Of a past that brings me pain With my own damned and bloody hands. This was not what I planned. And now I know Why we all hold our breath. Everyone is just One step from their death. If I could drown my hate and fear The ghost would disappear And I'd be left with no one else To blame but myself. I've sunk beneath the waves of guilt. The boat that I built Was never strong enough to sail. I know that I have failed. And now I see, So clearly, that we Would rather face a ghost, Than face our own demons.
4.
Mistakes 04:39
If you could make me believe That everything has changed, I'd let it go, And turn the page. But I still feel all the scars That led to where we are. Sometimes mistakes Are just what it takes. When I'm tired and it's late Nothing feels the same, And so, My heart leads me to shame. If I could just hold my tongue And tame my wandering mind I'd finally see That I've been blind. But I have failed from the start, And all the pain I've brought Has left me nothing I have sought. When I'm tired and it's late Nothing feels the same, And so, My heart leads me to shame. There's no need to mind my doubts. I just don't know the cost That I might pay For being so lost. But if there's one thing I know: That it'll be okay, Despite ourselves And come what may. When I'm tired and it's late Nothing feels the same, And so, My heart leads me to shame.
5.
Today is not opposite day. Today is the day all my dreams came true, The day I told you that I love you. Today is the day we forgave all our debts Forgot our regrets, and we all found our way. Most definitely not opposite day. Today was the most perfect day. I finished all of the things I began. Everything went according to plan. Today is the day that I made my amends For all of the things that I've done to my friends. It was by the most perfect day. Today is not opposite day. Today is the day all my dreams came true, The day I told you that I love you. Today is the day we forgave all our debts Forgot our regrets, and we all found our way. Most definitely not opposite day.
6.
Five & Two 03:37
7.
Today I went to a funeral for someone I don't know. It was my birthday, but I pretended not to care they all forgot. And why should I, when she was part of the equation and I'm not? I'd guess without me all the real important things would still add up. I am ashamed of my self-pity. It's a shame 'cause I can't quit it. I'm staring blankly in the mirror And everything's become so clear. I have grown fond of what I see. The mask that's staring back at me I've worn so often and so long That I've forgotten that it's wrong. I've heard the truth so many times, Sometimes I wish that it were false. My mind no longer seems to work, But if you look I've got a pulse. I still don't know what I am trying to say, But I'll keep talking till a find a way.

about

This is one of those pretentious pieces of literature, sometimes included with an album in a feigned attempt to make what would otherwise be a random, haphazardly assembled bunch of songs into something resembling a cohesive work of art. Perhaps I've given away too much. The truth is that this is a somewhat haphazardly assembled bunch of songs. In fact, most of the songs are haphazardly assembled themselves. I've come to terms with it; in a way that may just be the unifying trait to this collection of songs. Our everyday communication is not much more effective or cohesive than this music is though. We struggle to find the words we are looking for, or to express our ideas and feelings in the right way. I’m experiencing that as I write this preface to the album. I face this struggle often and even worry or fear that my words might be lost on others or misread. Sometimes I’m not even sure if my words have any meaning at all. At the end of the day the best that you can do is try and hope that it’s not a waste of time. Despite being plagued by these same difficulties, music can be a powerful form of communication. The fact that I've been blessed with the ability to say something through it is as humbling and scary as it is exciting. I know there are lots of people who have had things worth saying, but never got the chance. I think I have been given the chance to say something, but I’m not quite sure what that is just yet. So it is with gratitude, humility—and a little bit of shame at my inadequacy—that I embrace the opportunities I've been given. Honestly, I think most people don’t really know what they hope to say with their life, and those that do are probably lying or miserable because their hopes of ever doing so are slim. My days might be spent trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with my life and never being quite sure, but at least I can chronicle that experience for other people to listen to and hopefully find enjoyment in.

credits

released January 1, 2014

All songs written, performed, produced, mixed, and mastered by John Stuart.

license

tags

about

John Stuart Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

I will solve my riddle to the music of the lyre.

contact / help

Contact John Stuart

Streaming and
Download help

Report this album or account

John Stuart recommends:

If you like John Stuart, you may also like: